Actually... I've had a brilliant idea.
Synopsis[]
Another rollicking short story from the Chronicles of St Mary’s.
Question: What sort of idiot installs his mistress in his wife’s house? Especially when that mistress is Cleopatra VII Thea Philopator, Queen of Egypt and the most notorious woman of her time?
Answer: Julius Caesar – poised to become King of Rome. Or as good as.
Question: At this potentially sensitive point in your political manoeuvrings, who are the last people you’d want crashing through the door, observing, recording, documenting …?
I think we all know the answer to that one.
Roman Holiday – an epic, stand alone tale set in Ancient Rome, 44 BC, featuring, in no particular order: an attempted murder, stampeding bullocks, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, a bowl of poisonous snakes, a smallish riot, Julius Caesar, and Mr Markham’s wayward bosoms.
Plot Summary[]
Word around St Mary's is that the History Department is working on a project about Cleopatra, which is true. Markham volunteers for the mission by having Roberts, a young historian, carry him in a carpet Roman Holiday-style to be presented to a baffled Dr Bairstow in the Great Hall. Soon after, Dr Bairstow appoints Max and Peterson as mission leaders. A departmental meeting confirms the team that will go to Ancient Rome, 44 BC: Max, Peterson, Van Owen, Guthrie and Markham.
The team arrives in Rome, hires a carrying-chair and makes their way over to Gaius Julius Caesar's Roman villa. To their own surprise, they are led inside to pay their respects to the mistress of the house, Calpurnia Pisonis, Caesar's third and utterly humiliated wife. Before any niceties can be exchanged, however, Cleopatra is marched into the room, closely followed by Caesar himself. Calpurnia instructs her slaves to bring the couple some refreshments, but Markham intervenes; he spots an asp in a bowl of honey-covered figs and cries out a warning.
In the ensuing chaos, Max locks eyes with Calpurnia, instantly knowing she was the one who arranged for the six wriggling, deadly asps to be put in the bowl and that she intends to put the blame on the team. Max feigns a heart condition which allows the team to flee back to their pod, chased by the best of the best of the best of Roman soldiers, but they make it inside. The soldiers don't give up and try everything under the sun to get the team out of the pod. Peterson flourishes a disk containing the Sonic Scream, a little something Chief Farrell has been working on, and the crowd outside, including six furious oxen, disperses. The team jumps back to St Mary's, Sonic Scream still blaring.
In Hawking Hangar, the sonic sounds emanating from the pod cause immediate chaos, even shattering the glass offices of both IT and the Technical Department. Dr Bairstow is disappointed, Dieter is livid, and sweet Polly Perkins has to be kept back from flat out murdering the lot in the pod. Later, in the bar, Mrs Partridge arrives with Dieter in tow to hand the team a large quantity of Deductions from Wages to Pay for Damages Incurred forms.
Oh, well. At least Max thanked Markham and Major Guthrie for their continued efforts at keeping her and her team alive.